K&PxRWBY parodys
by Hero King Zeta 1991
Summary: a K&P x RWBY one shots parodys
1. Chapter 1

**K &PxRWBY** **Anger Translator**

Today was finally the day. The day for Ozpin's annual address to the Kingdoms of Remnant. Unfortunately this year would be abit more serious after the recent terrorist attack in the City of Vale. He needed to reiterate the ideals he held on national security and the activities of other Kingdoms. These topics never blended well with Ozpin's stoic persona. He would need someone to express his undying rage without tarnishing his own image, that is if he wanted to keep his job.

"Headmaster, this is quite possibly the stupidest thing you've done in a long time." said a certain bronze hair bully.

"Mr. Winchester you know our deal, you do this now and I'll let you pass Dr. Oobleck's class. He and I wouldn't want you to be held back now would we?" Ozpin said before taking a swig of coffee. Cardin let out a sigh and took position behind Ozpin's chair. The gears above their heads churned and hissed as the noon bell began sounding throughout Beacon Academy. It was nearly time to begin. Ozpin and Glynda worked the graveyard shift to create a set for the address to take place, it was comprised of his desk chair, a lovely fireplace behind him and a black ursa rug beneath his feet. It was hard to tell that this was going to be shot from his own clock tower.

"Are we ready yet Professor?" Glynda asked while poking her head out from behind the camera.

"Yes, you should start rolling."

As preparations for the address met completion Team RWBY was in the cafeteria discussing dull topics.

"I dunno Weiss, I think if Humanity ever does find a Grimm T Rex they should probably call it Grimmlo-" Yang was quickly cut off from what would have likely been a really shitty pun when all the scrolls in the cafeteria began to ring. Ruby was the first to open hers.

"Oh, Ozpin's starting his Kingdom Address! Get out your scrolls, let's all watch!"

"He better discuss the rising concerns about getting the Kingdom of Vale nationalized Healthcare so we can fin-"

"Shut up Blake, we want to hear what he has to say about us saving the day from the Grimm!" Yang said quickly.

"Ugh, don't come crying to me when your health insurance doesn't cover third degree burns to the cranium..."

As the camera rolled Ozpin took a deep breath and began with Cardin standing behind him, hands tucked behind his back, with a stern expression on his face.

"Good evening my fellow citizens of Vale, now before I begin I just want to say that alot of people out there seem to think that I don't get angry. That's simply not true. I get angry alot. The way I express my passion, however, is different from most. So just so there is no more confusion I brought Mr. Winchester of the freshman class to be my anger translator".

Cardin gave a slight nod of the head in response. Ozpin continued.

"First off, concerning the recent developments in the southeastern region outside the Kingdom, I just want to reiterate our intention of ending any terrorist attacks before they occur."

Cardin took that as his cue to begin 'anger translating.' _Well, it sure as hell beats failing freshman year..._ He began walking toward the camera slowly as he began to talk.

"Hey! All y'all White Fang members out there! Keep messing around and see what happens! Just see what happens! WATCH!" He said, pointing at the viewers with his index finger.

"Also, to the governments of Atlas, we once again urge you to discontinue your dust enrichment programs."

"Hey Ironwood! Councilmen! I think I already damn told both y'all to 86 your shit bitches! Or I'ma come over there and do it FOR Y'ALL! Please test me! And see what happens!"

"On the domestic front, I just want to say to my critiques over the Breach incident, I hear your voices, and I'm aware of your concerns."

"So maybe if you could shut the fuck up and chill the hell out for like a second then maybe I could focus on some shit! Ya know!?" With every statement that escaped Cardin's mouth he seemed to grow more exaggerated in his translating, getting more excited as the address moved forward.

"And that goes for everybody, including members of the Council and General Ironwood, who recently has taken my position as Head of Security for the Vytal Festival." Ozpin's words slightly stuttered at mention of his loss of position, obviously it still bothered him. Cardin noticed this and became electrified with his next words.

"Oh don't get me started on these motherfuckers right here!" He quickly dashed behind Ozpin's chair and off the left of the screen in a fit of rage, perfectly expressing Ozpin's disdain for the situation.

"Now I want to assure you that we will be looking for new compromises with Atlas and her military." As Ozpin said this Cardin began entering the frame from where he left, speedwalking across the shot as he began.

"And you know these motherfuckers are gonna say no before I can say yes and shit!" He said, throwing his arms up in disgust as he exited stage right.

"Now I know that alot of people say I haven't done a good job at communicating my accomplishments to the public." Suddenly Cardin reared his big head mere inches from the camera.

"BECAUSE Y'ALL MUTHAFUCKA'S DON'T LISTEN!" And just like that he was gone.

"Since being Headmaster of Beacon we've gained 3,000 new students."

"THREE! THOUSAND! NEW! STUDENTS!" Cardin said, now behind Ozpin.

"We ended the Breach incident with minor injury."

"Ended the Breach y'all! We ended the Breach! REMEMBER THAT!?"

"These achievements should serve as a reminder that I am on your side."

Cardin moved his hand behind Ozpin's chair and pulled out a megaphone. "I AM NOT A TERRORIST!" He yelled before quickly tossing the megaphone across the room, breaking a vase in the process.

"Um, Mr. Winchester, let's rope it in a bit shall we?"

"Oh fuck you're right, dial it back Cardin, damn!" Cardin said in the third person.

"Moving on, some of my opponents go so far as to believe I am a member of the White Fang."

"Oh see that shit's fucking cray right there."

"Indeed, Mr. Winchester, that _shit_ is relatively cray." Ozpin said, somehow keeping his stoic demeanor throughout that whole sentence. "Now to conclude, last night I had a conversation with Professor Goodwitch."

"I says biiiiiiiiiitch!"

"Um, no, I did not say that, I did not say th-"

The stream quickly cut off, leaving the message 'Technical Difficulties' on all streams of the address. The girls all sat staring at their scrolls in disbelief of what they just saw.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...What the fuck was that!?"

 **This request was from ArrogantWhale of reddit. Thanks for the idea! It was fucking fun to write! Thank you for reading, If you enjoyed please Fav, Follow, or Review. If you have any idea for a K &PxRWBY one shot please leave it as a review and I'll see what I can do, but don't recommend the substitute teacher sequel, it will be done and enough of you want it. Thanks again for reading, I love you all!**

 **~ Grimm**


	2. Chapter 2

**K &PxRWBY **Soul Food

As the sun hung over Remnant Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang sat at the table of their favorite diner in the City of Vale. They all sat reading through the menus in front of them. As the waitress approached them, she looked to be about the same age as the girls, maybe a bit older.

"Hello and welcome to Sugarback's Diner! may I know what you'd like to drink?" The girl seemed awfully upbeat that seemed to bring Team RWBY into a cheerier mood. Yang was the first to reply.

"I think we'll skip out on drinks, can we order our food right now?"

"Of course, what would you all like?" The girl said with her notepad and pencil out.

"I'll have a tuna salad please" said Blake with the stereotypical tuna order. The waitress quickly jotted down the order. Next was Weiss' order.

"I think I'll just have the pancake combo with a side of cereal." After the waitress finished jotting Weiss' order she asked Yang.

"Can I have a chicken fried steak with gravy?" said Yang with by far the most filling meal. Last was Ruby.

"May I have the baked beef short ribs with some corn bread?" said Ruby innocently. She always enjoyed this diner's ribs, no matter the time of day. However Yang suddenly felt like her baby sister just one upped her. She can't let that happen in front of her teammates. As the waitress finished jotting down the orders Yang interjected.

"Oh uh, you know what, I think I'll also have some corn bread. Oh! And maybe some of your amazing hot wings!" said Yang happily, knowing she just beat out Ruby for most food. Ruby looked at her through slit eyes, processing what just occurred. Just like a Grimm encounter Ruby analyzed the situation and had one solution to her current problem. Order more.

"All right will that be all?" said the waitress. Weiss was the first to speak up.

"No that will be a-"

"Actually Weiss that _won't_ be all..." said Ruby without looking to her partner, instead staring at Yang as their order war continued. "You can scratch off everything I said before, miss. I'll have some..." At this point Ruby was just looking at the menu on her lap because she didn't know much food outside what she usually ordered. She was basically just saying different entrees and meals at this point. "... Some fried red snapper..." As Ruby went down the list she looked for any words that sounded complex to make her order seem more sophisticated than her sister's. "And some Okra and a side of chili." Ruby finally finished. Turning back to Yang she crossed her arms and smirked in victory. _Beat that, Sis!_ The waitress accepted the order and began walking away before Yang stopped her.

"Do you guys have ham hocks?" Yang said with a purely serious tone. Blake and Weiss looked at Yang like she was crazy. a whole ham hock? Yang couldn't eat a whole ham hock... Could she?

"Of course, we have ham hocks."

"Alright I would like a plate of Ham hocks, deep fried, blackened, and served on a bed of mustard greens." Yang said before she stuck her tongue out at her sister. Weiss just sat there with her hand pinching the bridge of her nose while Blake was looking out the window, trying to avert her attention from Ruby and Yang. Before the waitress could reply Ruby raised her voice.

"Pig feet" Her team looked at her as Blake and Weiss gave a mutual face palm as Yang's jaw dropped. "I want pig feet and four pounds of grits." Ruby wasn't sure if that was even on the menu, she forgot about that awhile ago, her full attention was at beating Yang, even if common sense was thrown out the window. Ruby continued. "And I also want a small yogurt cup of lard."

"Alright." Yang slammed her hand on the table to get the waitress's attention. "I just remembered what I wanted, a bowl of mosquitoes." Ruby was livid, Yang was copying her technique of naming random junk." Not the tiny ones either I want the big ones you find down at the swamps of Mistral." Yang said with a smile plastered across her face. Ruby was getting serious, this was going downhill for her, she had to act.

"Um miss, can you please get me a rusty bucket full of fish heads wrapped in razor wire?" The waitress looked at her wide eyed.

"Donkey teeth." Yang said.

"Donkey teeth!?" Said Team RWB and the waitress.

"Yep, I want donkey teeth, straight out of a donkey's mouth." Thinking it over for a second Yang continued. "You know what, screw it, any animal tooth will do. I want it in honey glaze fried with some fatback in an old tin coffee can."

"Alright forget everything I've said up to this point right now." Ruby said to the waitress as she looked at Yang. "Bring me some dandelion greens, a cow hip, and a doggy's face. And I would like it if you could wrap all of that in an old magazine and serve it to me in a shoe box that recently had a cat sleep in it."

"Ok I Want a platter of stork ankles, an old cellar door, a possum spine..." Yang was sure to lean in to Ruby's face for the last request. "...And a human foot!" Blake and Weiss looked at each other with raised eyebrows as Ruby stared at Yang wide-eyed. The waitress felt the need to defuse the tension.

"Ma'am, did you say you want a human foot?"

Yang looked at her, just realizing what she said. "Um... yes?"

The waitress looked at them both. "I have just one question for you two..." Ruby and Yang looked down to their laps and then at each other with wide eyes like they were in trouble. "Would you like gravy on that cellar door?" Yang looked at the woman with her mouth agape.

"uh, uh, um, sure. Of course! What's a cellar door without gravy?" Yang said in a cheerful tone.

"It wouldn't be food, haha!" Ruby answered, accepting her order war defeat.

Blake and Weiss stared at Ruby and Yang as they sat in front of their 'Special' meals. Ruby looked at the assorted grotesqueness wrapped in a magazine in a shoebox while Yang stared at her cellar door with stork ankles and a possum spine, topped with gravy of course. They didn't think they'd actually get what they ordered.

"I'm never coming with you two block heads to a restaurant again." Weiss said, breaking the sisters from their trance.

"Agreed." said Blake.

 **Ok, This was already written but it has now been moved to the Official K &PxRWBY fanfic. Thanks for your continued support!**

 **~Grimm**


	3. Chapter 3

**I Said Bitch**

It was a lovely day on the outskirts of the City of Vale. Thin rays squeezed through the blinds as Sun laid on the couch with his head cushioned by Blake's lap waiting for their guests. It had been a couple years since they moved in together in the quaint house, far from any people who would discriminate their race. Blake continued to read her novel as Sun looked out the window bored.

"Ok... What if..."

"Sun."

"Yes, Blakey?"

"Let's not."

"..."

After a short moment of silence they heard the door bell ring from the foyer. Blake put a small red ribbon in her page as she got up to answer as Sun followed. Blake swung the door open to reveal their friends Neptune and Weiss, visiting from Atlas.

"Hey Blake, Sun." Neptune said happily, as Weiss took over.

"We haven't seen you two in _soooo_ long!"

"Oh Weiss I've missed both of you, Let me give you a tour of the house." Blake grabbed Weiss's hand and led her to the next room. "Oh you have to see the new parlor, and the nursery we just had refurbished." As she said this Blake looked down and glossed over her swelling stomach.

"Oh I bet it looks splendid!"

"Ok, you two have fun!" Neptune yelled behind them as he and Sun loitered in the foyer. "Hey man I'm sorry we're late."

"It's alright, it happens dude."

"Weiss was talking about how we had to be in the car by 6:45 and I'm like 'alright!" Neptune replied.

"Uh oh."

"Sun, TELL ME, that my ass isn't waiting in the car until 7:15!"

"Nuh uh."

"I had to go through the damn apartment hunting Weiss and twenty minutes later she is stepping out the damn shower sayin' 'Can I help you?" Sun looked to him with disbelief.

"Ok see that's crazy right there."

"Sun, I looked this woman in the _eyes_ and I said..." Both Sun and Neptune quickly darted their heads through the adjacent doorway their wives went through to see if they were in earshot. After a few quick turns of the head they determined the coast was clear. " _Biiiiitch_ , you told me 6:45!" Neptune said, being sure to whisper the 'bitch' portion of his statement.

"Oh you said that?" Sun looked at him with surprise.

"Psh, of course I said..." Leaning 45 degrees Neptune checked the adjacent doorway for his Snow Angel before looking back at Sun. "Biiiiitch, man I laid it out."

"But you said bitch though?"

"Hmm?"

"... You said bitch?"

Neptune hesitated before giving his response. "Y-yea..."

Sun and Neptune then heard their significant others from the other room. "Oh Weiss you have to see our new fireplace in the next room!" Sun aimed his head down the hall, signaling Neptune to follow.

The pipes dripped small droplets in the lifeless basement, now occupied by a couple of sea monkeys. A single light bulb lit the room above Sun and Neptune's head as they continued their female gossip.

"Like Weiss don't play games! Just tell me what you're gonna tell me!" Neptune said excitedly.

"Yea it's like say what you mean, mean what you say!"

"Why the fuck don't women understand that!?"

"Yea it's like a couple weeks back when I took Blake out to dinner. I said 'Where do you want to go?' and she said 'You decide."

"Uh oh."

"I'm like alright! Outback Steakhouse, she's like nah." Neptune kept his attention as Sun continued.

"Mmhm."

"Then I say Chile's and Blake's like 'ehhh.' Neptune I named _seven_ more restaurants!"

"No, Sun! No!"

"So after some bitching I finally say Long John Silver's, the place I know she wants to go so she says all innocently, 'if that's where you want to go."

Neptune and Sun began to get much more electric in their conversation. "No she didn't Sun! You did not let that slide!"

"Neptune, I looked this cat in the eye sockets. I told her straight out! I just said it man, I said it! I said, I said I say..." Both the men quickly crouched down, looking for any signs of female in the basement. Sun sniffed the air for hints of perfume whilst Neptune looked out the head height window. No signs of irregularity. "I said biiiiii-" The girls suddenly popped in from the basement door.

"Hey guys!"

"HEY GIRLS HOW YOU DOIN'? YOU SEE THIS WASHING MACHINE? THIS WASHING MACHINE IS HUGE!"

"MAN THESE ARE SOME GRADE A PIPES WE HAVE EY GIRLS? THEY REALLY GET THE JOB DONE, OH THAT PIPE GOES TO THE TOILET UP STAIRS! AIN'T THAT A HOOT!"

Blake and Weiss looked to their men confused. "Um alright Hun, I'm gonna take Weiss to the kitchen to show her the new dishwasher." Blake silently walked out the room as Weiss looked to Neptune.

"Oh and Neptune?"

"Uh, yea baby?"

"I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs." Puppy eyes began to form on her face.

"Well you could totally afford it..."

"What was that?"

"Duh, uh, I... You're gonna get one!" Neptune replied reassuringly, Weiss gave a slight turn of the head.

"I love you~"

"... I love you."

"I SAID BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH! If you wanted to go to Long John then just tell a man you want to go to Long John!" Sun said, finishing his last statement. The young men now found themselves on top of a large tree in Sun's backyard. Sun managed to drag Neptune up as it was the only safe place to gossip.

"Ah dude! You said that?"

"Ah hell yea dude, I laid it out! I says I says I sa-" Once again the two looked around the tree for their SO's, climbing up and down the tree and holding onto branches to get a better viewing angle without falling on their ass. "I said biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch, I'm the man of the house!" Sun finally finished.

"Ah you said bitch though?"

"Hm?"

"You called. Your wife. A bitch!"

"Erm, ahh, yea..." Suddenly Sun spotted the wifey's on the back patio, meters from The Sea Monkey Tree. Sun quickly hugged the biggest trunk next to him while Neptune grabbed a few branches to cover his face.

"Sun? Neptune?" Blake yelled.

"Where did those two block heads go?"

"Hm, I don't know, how about I show you the man cave of a garage Sun made?"

"Ugh sounds repulsive." Weiss scolded.

"Yea it really is." The girls walked off towards the garage, or as Sun called it, the 'Sun Wu Crib'

"Hey Neptune?" Sun said dejectedly.

"Yea?"

"Is there something bad about my garage?"

"Of course not dude, it's perfect. Or should I say... _Purrrrfect?"_

"Shut the fuck up."

The sun slowly got dimmer as it lowered over the plains. Our Sun, however, was walking across them with Neptune. Walking through the crimson plains of Forever Fall they hoped not to be caught by any Grimm... Or their wives. Although what wouldn't be able to hear Neptune has he droned on about Weiss's shortcomings?

"And so she said 'Why don't you buy a movie we _both_ like?" He yelled with hands thrown in the air.

"No she didn't."

"This was after I spent 25 minutes in the damn Best Buy, Sun. I looked this woman in her optic spans and I says..." Neptune turned and held his hand over his face to keep the sun out of his eyes and scouted the treeline. Sun pulled out a pair of binoculars to check the foothills at the edge of the forest. "I say biiiiiIIIIIIiiiiiiIIiitch!"

"You said that?"

"Ain't nothing but a thang!"

"But you said bitch though?" Sun said pointing to his friend.

Suddenly a sound reverberated from Neptune's pocket. Sun remembered the lyrics and the song to be Womanizer by Britney Spears. "Uh, ignore that..." Neptune said as he answered the phone. Sun got really close to Neptune's ear so he could hear the conversation. "Oh ah, hey sweetie! Sun's just giving me the neighborhood tour!"

After entering the Atlesian Space Program Sun and Neptune found themselves in the final frontier, bringing new meaning to the phrase 'Monkey in space.' Both were attired in thick astronaut uniforms as they sat in the ship's bridge.

"So we're an hour into Disney Land and Blake's like 'I didn't know we'd be doing so much walking."

"Is she insane!?"

"I know right!? I told her not to wear those heels! And then she said 'Don't raise your voice at me!"

Neptune threw his arms in the air in disgust, although it took a moment due to the gravity.

"Nep. Tune. I looked this woman dead in the windows of her soul! I said..." Sun slowly turned in his seat as he looked around for Blake. Neptune just looked at him like he was crazy, since they are after all in space. One finger was raised, signaling Neptune to wait a moment. Sun exited his chair and floated out the cockpit as the door slammed behind him.

"Uhh... Where are you goi-"

 _Knock Knock_

Neptune turned his head to look outside the window. He saw his friend out in the emptiness of space with a large helmet and tether. He heard a small flicker over the radio channel as Sun slowly started floating away.

"I. Said. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch."

 **So basically all of you wanted this, so here! Take what you have so long desired! Please leave any suggestions you have for more K &P in the reviews and Fav, or Follow if you enjoyed! I have a couple ideas for some 'spin off' series to this that I want to do so be on the look out for those. Thanks for the continued support!**

 **Love, me**


End file.
